Mental Breakdown, Emotional Wreck

It's been a while...

Quick update, I'm living in the north of France as an Au Pair for 11 months to practice my French so my minor can be of more use when I look for a real job.

I've been here almost 3 months and I have 8 more months to go.

and I. Miss. Home.

I felt a bit homesick here and there over the past 3 months, but nothing hit me so hard as last night when I had a full fledged breakdown. in front of my family that I live with here. embarrassing. 

This past weekend I went to Paris to visit my mom since she was working a flight from Chicago to Paris. So I think visiting with her and other flight attendants that are essentially second moms to me really put in perspective the differences between here and home and just how far out of my comfort zone I ended up going.

You know when you're climbing up a ladder and you just don't notice how high you are until someone says "don't look down", and then the reality of how high up you actually are sets in? That's exactly what this experience has been like. One massive ladder I've been climbing until the weekend with my mom made me "look down".

Everything I do here, everyday, is uncomfortable and new. For me, just meeting new people has always been uncomfortable and hard. Hell even just going away to college was hard for me, but now I would give anything to have that feeling of comfort and security as I did back in the U.S.

People are constantly underestimating the time it takes to learn a language, and due to that I am constantly frustrated with myself for not being able to fully communicate or even be myself because I am so focused on making sure my point comes across clearly in French. I believe the word "fluent" should be erased from everyone's vocabulary because no one can be truly fluent in any language. Everyday I learn new words in English! It's impossible to be fluent in anything I think.

I've been a mess these past few days and even few weeks. I haven't been eating much, all I want to do is sleep and hide out in my room. Even watching TV is exhausting just trying to understand everything.

Emotionally, it would just be so much easier to pack up and move home. But I know there are so many people I would disappoint, there is nothing waiting for me back home, most my friends have moved away, I would be jobless and broke, and I know I would regret that decision for the rest of my life. It's just so hard to get up every morning.

My eyes are literally swollen from lack of sleep and constant tears.

I just wish more people would come out and say "Hey! I felt like that too, let me tell you my story and how I dealt with it. It gets better..."

But all everyone tells me is how lucky I am to be doing this, which I totally understand. I just want people to say "it's ok to break down. You need to break down every once in a while"

is there anyone out there....

I'm lost again

cxs

New Blog

I made a new blog while I am living in France as an Au Pair, because life just got really scary and I'll need to vent and explain a lot.

culture shock, new languages, new people, new home, new, new, new, new, new.


you can find my new blog by clicking here

I hope I suffice at keeping up with it much better than I have been with this one.

I will definitely still be keeping this blog here though. There are far too many memories to just let it go. Besides, I am definitely not finished figuring out my life.

Being an au pair in France is just a way for me to keep up with my French. More of like....being a live in baby sitter. (Which is not an ideal career for the rest of my life).

so 11 months from now we will see how far I have come with my French and dealing with everything that is new.

Yikes.

See you on my other blog! :)

xoxo
cxs

Alzheimer's Awareness.

...It has been a while, hasn't it?

It's late. I'm up. let's talk.


I graduated from BGSU! University: Completed.

I moved back home to Chicago with my parents and have been busy working all summer saving up my money and just visiting with friends.

Oh, and I got a job as an Au Pair in France and I will be moving sometime this month to live with my new French family and care for a sweet little girl who (coincidentally) shares the same name as my cat: Cleo.

seriously. So. FUNNY.

But I will get into all that another day, for this past week has been rough.

My grandfather passed away from a 14 year battle with dementia and Alzheimer's. These past few years have been the hardest because I had to watch him slip away right before my eyes.  Usual fun visits to Ohio became long days of introducing myself over and over and over again to my own grandfather whom I shared so many wonderful memories with. Vacations, trips to the putt putt course, Saturday morning cartoon watching, and endless giggle fits with my grandpa gradually turned into memories. I no longer heard my grandpa say my name or call me "Claire-ee", as only he would.

I thought this time would be a bit easier since I dealt with the same issues with my Papa on my dad's side of the family, who passed away in 2008 from dementia and Alzheimer's. I was wrong. With my Grandpa it was actually harder because it last so much longer than it did with my Papa. With me attending school in Ohio I was also able to take regular trips to visit and help out with my Grandma and Grandpa. I went through some of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with this past year just helping my Grandpa in the nursing homes and hospitals. These visits were not with my Grandpa, but more so a disease. Sure it was my Grandpa's body sitting there in front of me, but everything he said or did was Alzheimer's. and it really, really sucked.

My Grandpa was in the Navy during WWII and was and will continue to be one of the bravest and most honorable men I have known, and I am so proud of everything he has done.
I am so proud to call myself his grand-daughter.

If anyone has ever had to deal with this awful disease, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. The families of those affected by Alzheimer's are some of the strongest people and are truly saints to put up with everything that this disease brings.

I hope to live to see the day that Alzheimer's is cured so that no one will ever have to go through or help a loved one that is affected by it.


I will always remember my Grandpa for who he was before this disease and the wonderful role model he always was for me.

I love you, pops

xoxo
cxs

College Classes: Completed

Today was my last class here at BGSU....EVER!!!!

HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! 

but seriously, now it's time to start studying for my finals. After all, I don't have my degree YET!
I am soooo exicted for Friday of next week to get here. All my family is coming in to celebrate my graduation as well as my mom's birthday (which falls on the same day of my graduation). Then Saturday, Graduation starts at 9:30 and I'll pray to all that is holy that I don't trip in my heels, that I shake with my right hand and grab my diploma with my left, and find my family in a sea of people afterwards.

Then, It's time to pack what's left of my apartment and head back to Chicago. 

 

I can't believe it. 5 years, 3 Universities, and 2 community colleges later and I have figured out my degree/uni path. This blog has truly kept me sane through the rants, raves, fights, tears, and confusion and I am so thankful for my followers who leave me the sweetest comments and send me the nicest e-mails. It's nice to know we aren't alone and that even one person can make someone's life a little easier. 

So what's in store post grad?

 

Well I'm moving back home to work at my usual season job at Nordstrom to save some money. Then, fingers crossed, off to France in October to teach English and perfect my French. I found a great program through my cousin's friend. It's a long story, but this girl talked to me about a program in France that she went through to learn the language after receiving her bachelors (and she had only taken French in high school so I'm feeling confident). She is now a flight attendant and only does Parisian flights because she is a speaker of French.

Welp, I'll enjoy this nice weather here while I can before seriously cracking down on finals. Here's to my family and friends that have helped me through this experience as well as my followers and readers of my blog.

Let's be clear though...this isn't a goodbye for my blog (it's starting to sound like it).

HELL NAW! 

This is just goodbye to college courses!!!!!
May 4th will be euphoric, and then the real world will punch me in the face.

Lookin' forward to it!
cxs

Results are a Brewing

I've been doing this lifestyle change where I simply eat clean and get some sort of exercise daily along with at least 3 intense workouts a week, minimum. So far...

I'm seeing results!!!

Yes, they are very slight and many other people may not notice, but I sure as hell do. Especially in my legs. It has been a while since I've seen my quadriceps muscles stick out like they did when I played tennis. It's fantastic!

My clean diet is easy for me though through pure cooking laziness.

When I have to go to the grocery store, I have to walk across campus and take a bus, so I can only buy enough food to be able to carry all that way home. I always use one of those little baskets to  measure the weight of my purchases so it's easy to watch how much I buy.

I also hate cooking and preparing meals, especially since I live alone. I'd much rather just find something easy to grab and not have to spend the time making a legit meal. So what do I do then for food? I grab fruits and veggies and just eat those all day. I buy no sugar/processed foods to reduce the temptation and to save money. (I'm also broke so it's easy not to splurge on shit food). I basically live off of mass amounts of quinoa and brown rice, fruits, veggies, talapia, tea and water. Not even mad about it.

I am never bloated, I have wayyyy more energy, and my skin has looked its best since...ever. Seriously. I don't even bother with makeup anymore because I have nothing to hide. I also never crave anything except the occasional apple or clementine.

The toughest part was the first week because I still craved foods like pasta, sweets, salt, etc. but after that week ended, I don't even want to go back...which brings me to my next point..

EASTER IS THIS SUNDAY ON THE FARM

ughhh any gathering on the farm involves mass quantities of Paula Deen approved foods. I'm sure there will be the usual 2 hams, turkey, cheese covered everything, and the always present, fruit salad with marshmallows. fucking MARSHMALLOWS in the fruit salad...come on guys.

I feel like I'm not just going to fall off the wagon...the wagon is going to throw me off, then back up over my broken body to run it over again, followed by multiple clogged arteries filled with chocolate and butter. Curse my southern cooking family members...

I guess we'll see how this weekend goes. My grandma is picking me up Friday and then we'll head back down to Dayton for the weekend. Wish me luck..and hope I don't end up in a food coma.

to a second Thanksgiving

cxs

20/20

Real talk right now you guys...

Justin Timberlake's new album just released and it is fantastic.

I mean repeat every song until my ears bleed, not want to complete anything else for the day, learn every lyric, kind of fantastic.

It's crazy to think it has been 7 years since his last album, Future/Sex Love Sounds. That entire album reminds me of Junior and Senior year of High school, driving to Jamba Juice after school with my friends, and staying at school late to work on musical productions.

Sometimes I miss how easy it was back then, as well as the amount of money I had to just blow on gross amounts of Jamba...and the metabolism to do so.

Mirrors is my favorite off his new album

I think the ending is a bit odd...and could probably do without, but still...this song is no less amazing

To Tunage Tuesday

cxs

Epiphanies

I think I never finish things because I know once things are finished....that moment is forever finished, and I don't want it to be. I said in my last post,

"It's all so exciting at the start. A fresh new thing to be doing/seeing/starting, the images of the future outcomes, and the potential happiness that will surely come at the end."

 ...happiness that will surely come at the end...? Hmmm...says who??

Let's dig through my brain a bit...

 Books will never be finished for me because maybe I don't want the adventure to end?
Relationships never last for me because maybe I'm afraid of falling too hard and getting hurt, so I just end things before anything real can happen?

Perhaps I've been in school so long because I've ALWAYS been in school. School is what I know how to do. After all, I've been doing it since I was 3. I'm essentially a professional student (but with the worst procrastination problems). I think I am afraid to move on. I really really really like my comfort zone, but as many people have said before me: "life begins at the end of your comfort zone."

I guess now that I'm about to graduate and move on from school, it's as good a time as any to let go of everything I've been holding onto and never finished. 

It's time to finish the unfinished.

I also need to think of finishing something as ACCOMPLISHING it, not ending it. It may be the end of one thing, but that also means it's the start of a new, great, and wonderful thing.

to epiphanies

cxs

More Sleepless Nights

I've officially been awake all night, tossing and turning in my bed. I'm writing this particular blog entry on my phone so I'm not quite sure how this will look on a laptop or actual computer, but I guess I'll find out later.

Being up at night always gets my mind racing about particular things. Tonights pensive menu? Everything.

Perhaps that's why I can't sleep. I can't help but want to do better at sticking with things. The following are a few topics I have an easy time starting, but difficult time finishing:

-Fitness regimes

-Novels

-Homework/Projects/School shit

-Relationships

-Blogging

I LOVELOVELOVE starting new projects, relationships, books, etc. It's all so exciting at the start. A fresh new thing to be doing/seeing/starting, the images of the future outcomes, and the potential happiness that will surely come at the end.

However, I rarely finish anything. Relationships bore me after long, books start to drag out, workouts get dull, and school...well...I've just about had enough.

I need new motivation and right now, honestly, graduation in May isn't cutting it for me....

To the motivation-less

cxs

France or Bust?

Sometimes I wonder if I am all talk and no action when it comes to me wanting to live in France to work on my French speaking skills. I have been telling so many friends and family members of my future plans after graduation, mostly to appease the inconclusiveness and mystery that waits for me after May 4th, 2013.
"I want to live in France as an au pair to become more fluent in my French. Also, so I don't forget everything I've learned only to waste an entire minor and difficult 3 years of French classes" is what I have been telling everyone.

I can't help but wonder if they are as skeptical as I am...

For attending so many higher educational institutions in a variety of locations and areas, I absolutely, totally, and completely HATE change.

I don't know what I am more fearful of: Living in France, or not going at all.

 

I don't even know how to get started on such an adventure. But I do know that I often regret the things I don't do versus the things that I do.

Once this semester ends and I am done with school, will my new life chapter be cyclical of this entire blog? Will I be back in that rut? Part deux: post-grad.

The future is scary. 

but it's also absolutely exciting.

cxs

Pre-Valentine Treats

I could really go for something sweet right now. I think I am going through withdrawals from this past weekend.

So now I will look at delicious goodies and treats online to fill my sweet tooth while I munch on this carrot. -_-

Don't these Valentine cookies look too cute to eat??

Ha! They'd be gone in 2 seconds flat if I had my hands on them

....for real you guys...

 

J'ai besoin.

They can be found at the Vanille Patisserie in Chicago or just click here.

Happy early Valentine's Day to all!

xoxo

cxs
 

Food Comas and Liquid Cheese

Oh man....

This weekend I did nothing but eat out with a friend that was visiting. I am entirely deep fried, beer battered, and cheesed OUT. I don't think I have ever felt so gross. 

Welcome to the land of fried foods, guilt, and constipation. 

TMI? Deal with it.

 It being Super Bowl Sunday (or weekend in my case), I figured this would be my last weekend of bar food. Seriously though, after eating nothing but veggies, rice, fruits, water, and tea for the past month, my body has taken a BEATING this weekend.

Excuse me while I go and die in my bed.

Time to get back on track...again.

I also SERIOUSLY need to focus on school. I am not sure of it is this snowy weather or WHAT, but I just cannot seem to get out of bed to get to class in the mornings...or, let's be honest, afternoons, too. It's hardly February and I am almost out of "excused absences" in most of my classes. ughhhh -_-

Spring Break is in exactly 1 month. That is when my week of pure bliss when begin and I will be homework free and halfway to graduation. Until then, time to hit the books.

to getting back on track....for real

cxs

Whistle While You Work

Today is a cleaning day. 

I've decided if I am going to be healthy, organized, and focused in school, I need to start with a clean and orderly environment.

COMMENCE LAUNDRY DAY

I hate doing laundry here at school because I have to walk outside, 5 apartments down, into this dirty little room with one washer and two dryers from 1975, lime green walls, some guys nasty sneakers, and a constant pile of lint just next to the garbage can. (seriously guys...)

Best part about laundry day though? Clean sheets. OHHHH how I love thee.

 

Then it's on to vacuum, do the dishes, sweep the floor, cinderelly, cinderelly!

I might also add that this cleaning fit is partially due to the fact that my mom is visiting Tuesday and spending the night.
But once I have finished cleaning I will have to begin my studies and preparing for the week ahead. Gahhh It's almost February which means one month down....3 to go until graduation. 

Now, if only cleo would get her lazy bum out of bed to help....she's such a little free loader.

oh, but look at that little face... ^_^

to productive Sundays

cxs

Hopeless Wanderer

I made a new mix that I am in love with. It is also very fitting for this blog and those who follow.

Songs for Hopeless Wanderers from Clairabell24 on 8tracks Radio.

to us

cxs

New Look

Ok, this is a good place to for me to begin my countdown to graduation. To me that means better grades, a better mind set, and a better body. 

Grades

This is my LAST semester of college. I need to make it count. No more of that "I'll do better next semester" horseshit. That's just as bad as saying "Diet starts Monday" with a mouth full of cake. Which leads me to my next point:

Exercise

I have an average weight, which is fine, but I am more concerned with being physically fit. If only I could just return to my High School physique: Toned tennis arms and legs with sleek obliques. *sigh* Why didn't I wear more bikinis back then....Curse my insecure self...

Pinterest is seriously the greatest motivator to get in shape. I HATE going to a gym and not knowing how to do anything except run on a treadmill. Through pinterest I have found all these at home work outs solely for strength training! If you want to follow/repin my pins just click here!

I've spent the last week eating very healthy and watching my portions. So starting today I am beginning a serious workout regime. I want my tennis legs back in time for graduation...but without having to play tennis. (I am also sick of just being....squishy...).

Mind

Aside from strength training I would really like to get back into yoga. Considering I can bend forward about 20 degrees before my legs feel like the tendons will just snap I'd say it's time to do some serious stretching and easy, calming yoga poses. (seriously you guys...pinterest for that shit too)

I am also finding that I am awake until about 2:00am every school night (not much as changed since starting this blog obviously) therefore I need to relax my mind more and stop worrying so much about what to do after I graduate. 

So here we go. I am going to be updating fairly frequently from now on to help me stay focused (and vent about how I just want a fucking cupcake every so often)

Sooo...join me? or cheer me on? or just sit there with your delicious cakes and mock me or whatever.

to May 2013

cxs

I Suck

My 3 day weekend is now officially over and I have successfully sat on my ass all weekend.

I made a To-Do list and it has remained untouched and unaccomplsihed.

I swear I can only work under pressure; so probably about 1 am is when I'll start my homework. I really need to work on just getting things done. EARLY.

Granted I have been very sick this weekend...but I think that is more of a cop-out to not get any of my work done. whatever. 

Let me tell you what this weekend consisted of:

• Sleep
• Hours of Always Sunny on Netflix
• Benedryl. lots and lots of Benedryl (too broke for NyQuil)
• Random acts of exercise that unequivocally amounted to nothing
• Downloading of music
• Made 3 new 8Tracks playlists
• Hours on Youtube, Facebook, Twitter, and any other time consuming, inefficient internet site
• Hours of my new TV addiction: "Girls" on HBO (so good)

so here I am, 6:22pm, 8am class in the morning, and I haven't. done. shit.

sometimes I hate myself.

to procrastination
cxs